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Methos sighed to himself as he left Seacover airport. He was doing it again, he realised, Gods he really was getting foolish in his old age. He was getting involved again, and he was returning to the Highlander - again. Why he cared so deeply for MacLeod, why he was forever drawn to him, to want to regain his friendship and respect, Methos didn't know. And, he decided firmly, he didn't want to think about it. That was another thing he was doing too much of lately - thinking. Hell, he'd survived for thousands of years before MacLeod and would probably survive still after the Highlander had gone from this world. So, why was he so important?!
After a month of travelling and thinking, even brooding (another
problem with hanging around MacLeod!), Methos had decided that it was no good,
he had to return, however briefly and check on Mac and on Joe. Gods, he'd
nearly forgotten about the Watcher. He knew that even though Joe had been a
Watcher for some time, Riche was his friend as well as an immortal.
So,
here he was again in Seacover, a month older, but not much wiser, not much of
anything really.
Joe Dawson sat in a darkened corner of his blues bar, drinking Scotch and listening to the band. It was a routine he was used to, having been doing the same now every night for a month. Part of him knew he was drinking too much, knew that Mike was worried about him. But, the other part, the part that he'd been listening to more and more recently said 'who cares? What did it matter how much he drunk'. He had nothing better to do. The bar was practically running itself, and he had no other place to be. Nothing important to do. In fact, nothing mattered much anymore. He didn't matter, he wasn't particularly important so why it matter if all he did was sit here and get drunk. He was happy. He was only mortal and wouldn't be much longer being that anyway. Yep, nothing mattered, except keeping his glass full, he thought as he poured another drink. And at least it stopped him thinking...
But, that other part of his mind knew he wasn't really happy, that
things did matter. Someone mattered...Mac something or other, he couldn't
remember. He was important, so was Joe himself. That part of Joe Dawson,
Immortal Watcher extrodinare, knew he was just surviving, not living. No
Richie, no Mac, just him. Just surviving, just as someone else he once knew
told him. He couldn't remember that person's name either. He decided not to
bother trying.
He knew all these things, somewhere inside him, but the
part of Joe who now had control wasn't listening, not today anyway.
Methos took a deep breath and prepared to face the enemy. Steeling
himself, he walked into Joe's bar.
He immediately spotted Joe slumped in a
corner seat with a half empty liquer bottle on the table in front of him.
Joe looked up, squinting, as the soft footsteps approached him. 'What did Mike want now, couldn't he just leave him alone?' But it wasn't Mike, it was...
"You! Get out, Methos! How dare you come back here", Joe shouted, the anger clearing his brain slightly.
"Joe, please. We, we used to be friends.." Methos didn't quite know why he was almost begging for the Watcher's acceptance, but it was important he didn't lose this friendship, if it wasn't lost already.
"Some friend! You used us, Methos, decieved us all, even Mac, and you killed Richie!"
"Joe, I can only apologise so much. What else can I do? I never wanted Richie dead. It was he who wanted my head!"
"Yeah, and you're 5000 years older than he was. Are you sure you couldn't have stopped him any other way!"
"I didn't want him dead, Joe!" he shouted.
"How can I convince you that I'm a good guy, well, not a bad one, anyway! Please don't do this Joe, don't blame me forever..."
"So, who was to blame?" Joe continued bitterly.
"Oh, I know, let's blame Richie. Oh, we can't, he's dead!" He spat the words out, and Methos' heart sank. He had to help Joe. Despite his 5000 years he didn't have many friends, not real ones, ones who knew the real him. Joe Dawson came pretty close to knowing the real him and accepting everything about him, until now. The only other one, was... Was the Highlander, of course. Well, first things first. First Joe, then the stubborn Scot. He didn't quite know which would be worse.
"Joe. Please. Listen. It happened, but don't do this to yourself. It wasn't your fault. Don't you think I wish I could have stopped him, done something. But there was nothing I could have done. Joe, even if you don't forgive me, please just listen. Do you think Richie would have wanted to see you like this? If you don't do this for me, do it for him, and do it for MacLeod. Richie was his student. He was like a son to him."
"Well, he wasn't the only one. I loved Richie as well, and he was my responsibility as much as Mac's."
"I know Joe. I know it hurts. Gods know I know. I wish it was different, but I can't bear seeing you like this, and I know Richie wouldn't want it. I'll go now, Joe, if you want me to, but please just think about it."
Methos got up to leave, and Joe just let him go without another word.
Methos sighed. One down, one to go. He didn't know how much good he'd done Joe, but he hoped the man had listened to him. He'd seen too many men destroy themselves over loss, regret, and guilt, himself included, and he didn't want to lose Joe even sooner than necessary. He'd taken it so hard. He didn't want to loose Joe this way, couldn't stand to see the Watcher so angry and bitter with him. He knew that he had had no other choice. Something strange had prompted Richie into attacking him. He still had no idea what, though, althoough he was determined to find out. For all their sake's. It didn't stop him blaming himself though.
Chapter Four: Close Encounters
Duncan screamed and woke up in a sweat after yet another nightmare. Unfortunately, he could remember it still clearly. He'd been sparing with Methos when suddenly the Old Man ran off after they'd both felt the buzz. Chasing after Methos, Duncan found him fighting Richie. He called to them to stop, he screamed at them, but they didn't listen. Joe was also watching, mouth open, agast. It was like he was unable to move and stop them either. The fight seemed to go forever, it was the longest and most gruesome fight Duncan had ever watched, and he was powerless to do anything but stand and watch. Suddenly both men were on the ground, helpless. Then Duncan watched terrified as both Methos and Richie dragged their swords towards each other's necks. Duncan, now able to move, knew they would both die if he did't do something, but who could he stop, who should he help? He crawled behind Methos, attempting to disarm him, knowing he had to help his student. He couldn't let Richie die, no matter what, even if he broke the rules. The scene changed, then, and it was him fighting with Richie. He couldn't stop himself. He disarmed Richie, willing himself to stop. Then, as he took his student's head, Richie became Methos again, and Duncan beheaded him. But it was Richie's screams of death he heard as he took Methos' quickening. Richie appeared behind him, and Duncan sighed in relief that the boy was safe. But when Richie spoke, it was in Methos' voice. "You killed me Mac", it said, over and over again. Still repeating the dreadful phrase, Richie slowly took on charactistics of Methos, so that as Duncan watched, screaming, the character became a kind of Richie/Methos hybrid. With the words of "You killed me Mac", and his own screams still ringing through his head, Duncan woke up. The screams remained.
"Just a dream, just a dream!" Duncan told himself. He hadn't really killed Richie or Methos, and everything was alright with the world. But then he remembered. It was real. Richie was dead, and Duncan had been unable to protect him. Duncan almost wished he'd never woken up. Knowing that he wouldn't get any more sleep that night, Duncan slumped himself in front of the TV, watching some late-night mind-numbing talk show that Richie used to talk about all the time. It served it's purpose and Duncan found that if he was lucky, he only thought about Richie every ten minutes now, instead of five. He was almost half-asleep again when he felt the buzz. Oh, God, not now, he thought. He hadn't been practising since...since that day. It hurt too much, knowing Richie should have been there for him to spar with. Now, typically, some Immortal had probably come looking for his head, and this time, they'd probably get it. Especially as Duncan wasn't really sure if he wanted to keep it, when all he could do was think of Richie. He felt terrible. He hadn't been able to work, to sleep, to eat, nothing. He hadn't felt this bad since Tessa, and that took a long while to get over. In fact, he still wasn't sure if he was really over it. However, at least then, he'd had Richie to care for. His sense of honour hadn't let him desert the boy for too long. Now, though, he had nothing and no-one. He vaguely thought of Joe, but realised that even if he did want to see Joe, the Watcher probably wouldn't want to see him. He'd run off, leaving Joe to confront Methos. The Watcher would probably never want to see either of them again.
With a start Duncan realised that the knocking on his door, the Immortal, was growing more and more insistant. Glancing at his watch he saw that it was still only 4 o'clock in the morning. Who would come visiting at this hour. As he turned the locks Duncan realised he knew exactly who it would be...
In front of him stood the last person he wanted to see.
"Methos. What do you want?! I told you I never wanted to see you again!" he glared.
"I know, but I had to come. Take my head if you want, but hear me out first. Can I come in, please?" he older man asked, uncharactistically somber, polite, and humble-sounding.
Duncan shrugged. Methos came in.
"Why bother even asking. You always do exactly what you want", Duncan commented, not looking at the other man.
"MacLeod, I know you're hurting, but I'm worried about Joe. He's in a really bad state. He's not used to this."
" 'Used to this'?! And you think I am. Do you think anyone ever gets used to losing loved ones. Well, I know I don't. Maybe you're used to it. You've lost enough people to get callous about it. I thought you hurt when Alexa died, I felt for you, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was an act, like so many things with you. Maybe you just thought, 'oh well, there goes another one'!"
"You...You don't ever talk about Alexa that way! Ever! You hear me MacLeod. Think what you want about me but I loved that woman!" Methos shouted. Duncan just stared past him, seemingly unimpressed. He couldn't look at him, knowing that the other man had been responsible for Richie's death. But he couldn't let the other man know that. He wouldn't give him the satisfaction.
Methos however, was a better judge of people than he sometimes let on. He could see the tension in the Scot's eyes, could see how loosely he was keeping it together, especially in front of him. The cold indifference and the tension cut him to the quick. It seemed that both Joe and Duncan had given up.
"OK MacLeod. I know you don't want to see me, I don't blame you. But, seriously, go to Joe. You two..you two need to help each other."
"Why. Why would Joe want to see me?"
"MacLeod, it wasn't Joe's fault. Even the Watchers couldn't have stopped this. You can't blame him, keep away from him."
" 'Joe's fault'. Of course it wasn't Joe's fault. It's my fault. I should have been there, protected Richie!"
"Oh, Mac. It wasn't any more your fault than it was Joe's. And, no-one could have stopped him."
"Mac, we all have regrets. I deeply regret with happened. But, you can't let them ruin your life. You have to mourne Richie, remember the good times you had, and move on. I'm not saying forget him, I'm not saying don't feel bad he's gone. But, for Gods sake Macleod, please don't destroy your life as well, and don't let Joe destroy his. You know this isn't what Richie would have wanted!"
Duncan turned to look Methos in the face, for the first time since he'd walked through the door.
"Joe's drinking again?" Methos just nodded.
"He needs your help, MacLeod. He won't listen to me."
He could see Mac stuggle with this internal dilemma, his sense of honour calling to him as it had so many times before. Methos hoped that it would be this that got through to the Highlander. Duncan struggled, and Methos lost. Duncan turned away from the other man.
"Get Mike to help him. He doesn't need me. He's better off without me in his life. Mortals shouldn't interfere, and I've cost him yet another friend." The indifference and guilt-filled brooding was back. Methos hated seeing Duncan like this, even the Scot's full blown anger was better than this. If someone came after his head now, Duncan would willingly give it, and Methos couldn't let that happen.
"Mac. Please?"
Methos begging almost shocked Duncan out of his cloud of indifference and depression. Almost, but not quite.
"Methos, what do you want? You claim you want to hide to survive and yet at every opportunity, here you are sticking your nose in. Why should I believe what you say anyway, isn't this just another grand plan of yours? If it wasn't for you, life would be much simplier, and Richie would still be alive. So, please, do me a favour and just leave me alone." Duncan said quietly.
"That hurts Duncan, but I'll leave. It's true, you know, life would be simplier, simplier for me if I stayed away from you. But it would also be a lot less fun, and a lot more boring. It wouldn't be a life, and as someone taught me recently, what's the point of being alive and just surviving. You and Joe are both just surviving, and if someone comes after your head now, Mac, I know you won't even want to try and beat them."
"Why do you care? In fact, why don't you just take my head now? Wouldn't that be the easiest thing. At least then, I won't have to live like this!"
"Mac, I know you're upset, and you have every right to be, you just lost your student. You can't destroy yourself though. It isn't what Richie would have wanted, it isn't what I want, and it isn't what you really want."
"Isn't it?"
"No! Dammit Duncan, give me a chance here. I want to help you. Now, listen to me, look at me..."
"I, I can't. It hurts too much."
Methos grapped Duncan's arm with one hand and his chin with the other, forced him to look directly at him. Methos could see he was almost at breaking point. Maybe he just needed a push over the edge...
Methos fixed his gaze on Duncan's eyes, troubled-filled and not a little frightened. Dark orbs gazed into hazel ones, also sad but with an inner strength and wisdom. What little control Duncan now had left slowly crumbled. He sagged against Methos and the older man lowered them both to the floor as tears gathered in the Highlander's eyes. Methos had one arm around Duncan as he comforted the trembling man.
"It..it just hurts so much. I..I can't live like this Methos, I..I can't." It hurt Methos to see his friend so hurt and weak, but knew anything was better than the cold, isolating indifference he'd shown earlier.
"Duncan. You will heal. Give it time. I'm here for you."
"How can you do this time and time again? Love someone and watch them go? I..I thought Richie would be here for years yet. He was so young. He didn't deserve to go so young..."
"No-one does. It was the game. But also something more. Something made Richie attack me that day. It isn't fair I know. Life is not fair."
"I...I know. But, I needed to blame someone. I still do, I guess. if I had kept an eye on him, though..."
"Mac, stop, please. Let him go. I don't know how I do it, but I do. I guess that's just what life's all about."
"5000 years and that's your conclusion on the meaning of life?" Duncan smiled slightly.
"Well, it's better than saying the meaning of life is to cut off other people's heads to win some prize."
"It is though, isn't it. We just can't avoid it."
"No, and Richie was doing what he thought he had to do."
"There was so much more I wanted to teach him, to show him. Does the hurt ever go, do you think? This is even worse than Tessa, and I didn't think anything could be as bad as losing her."
Duncan seemed to be gaining some strength again after his collapse and Methos was glad his friend was talking about his feelings. At least he wasn't about to cut off his head, either.
"Methos, thanks for being here. I...I sorry I said I didn't want to see you again...."
Methos, still emotional after Duncan's outburst, just smiled.
"I'll always be here, Duncan", he whispered.
"What?"
"I, er, you're my friend Mac, and I do care for you."
"Oh." Duncan replied, his thoughts back on Richie. He knew he couldn't give up. Methos was right, it wasn't what Richie would have wanted. But, how he could he live without his student, his best friend. And, how could he cope with Methos in his life, knowing he had Richie's quickening. The past month had been agonizing, and the only thing he knew was that Richie would never have willingly attacked 'Adam' and that Methos wouldn't have willingly taken Richie's head. He and the old man had been through too much for that - dark quickenings, Alexa... It didn't stop it hurting though.
He sighed and turned to look at the man sitting next to him, his arm still casually drapped around Duncan's shoulders. He looked a million miles away.
Methos suddenly noticed Duncan staring at him and turned to meet his gaze. Duncan's gaze dropped again.
"Mac..?" he queried.
"I know you're right. I can't give up. It's not fair on Richie, or on Joe. I realise that now. I just don't know how I'm going to be able to look at you and not remember."
"So, don't look, just listen", replied Methos, "Close your eyes."
"Huh?"
"I mean it, just close your eyes."
"Oh, well.." But he did.
"Trust me Macleod."
"Never, Old Man." Methos smiled. The last thing he wanted was to lose Duncan's friendship because the other man couldn't accept his past actions. Gods knew, they'd had enough lies and deception between them already. if Duncan ever found out what else Methos had done in his past. Being forced to kill a young one was nothing...
"Methos, you still there?"
"Yes, Mac. Just thinking."
"So, tell me, how did you begin to get on with your life when you lost a wife or a child."
"Well, at least with a mortal you know they're not going to be around forever. You know you'll lose them someday. Of course it still hurts like crazy, but unconsciously you're prepared. With Immortals you never know. Maybe that's why you're finding it so much harder to get over Richie's death than Tessa's", 'That and the fact that he's not completely gone', Methos thought to himself, grimly.
"Is that why you only had mortal wives?"
"Maybe I just haven't met the right Immortal yet".
Methos sounded a million miles again, and Duncan opened his eyes, to find the other man's face just inches from his own, staring at him intently.
Duncan gazed into Methos' eyes, almost drowning, mesmerised by the other man's closeness.
Methos slowly closed the gap between their faces, bringing their lips together, and finally acknowledging his unspoken need for Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod.
Duncan melted into the kiss, acknowledging the soft lips, the tender eyes. Without his brain really reacting, he responded gently.
"Mmm, Methos...Methos...No!" he murmmered. Duncan broke away.
"Oh, God, no! No, I can't do this!"
Turning away again, Duncan refused to look at Methos.
Methos looked sadly at the other man.
"Mac, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
"Just leave!"
Methos left, knowing now that he was in love with Duncan MacLeod, but that the Highlander would never even consider loving him whilst he still blamed him for the death of his almost-son Richie Ryan.
Chapter Five: An Unusual Alliance
Duncan MacLeod was in shock. After 400 years in this world he believed that there were not many things could surprise him, let alone shock him almost to the core of his very being. Turning his latest encounter with Methos over and over in his mind, he realised that there were several aspects of the events that troubled him. The first, of course, was his shock of seeing pure emotion in the eyes of Methos, emotion that he hadn't truely seen since the man had cried over the dead Alexa with a passion that he thought would make his own heart break. But, now, to see that depth of emotion in those ancient eyes directed at him. Well, to he honest he found it more than a little creepy. Who knew what Methos was doing, was thinking? Maybe this was all just part of the last in the Old Man's repitare of bizarre games and plans.
Yawning deeply and rubbed his forehead, Duncan realised he couldn't do any more thinking until he'd had some sleep. He was tired, confused, and had been manipulated by Methos - again.
The second aspect of the night's events - his own behaviour and reactions - Duncan didn't even want to start to consider until after much more sleep. However, sleep didn't come to Duncan any easier now than it had during the night.
An hour of walking in the early morning sunshine had helped to clear Methos' head, and he had come to a decision. It was a tough one, he knew, but he was sure it was the right one. Well, pretty sure anyway. He didn't regret what he happened with Mac, he knew it was inevitable. He couldn't believe he actually kissed Mac, but he didn't regret it, especially with the way Mac had responded...
Stopping his mind from wandering again Methos strode off determined to carry out his plan.
Amanda looked up at the feel of the buzz. Smiling grimly, she watched her lunch date approach the small cafe where she was waiting, his face set and determined, his eyes belaying his concerns. Would this be fun, Amanda thought.
"Amanda", he greeted her. "A pleasure as always."
"Adam", she returned, in as cold a tone as he had used.
"Or, is it Richie nowadays?" she continued bitterly.
He looked suitably guilty and replied, "Actually, it's Adrian at the moment."
"So, Adrian, what can I do for you?" Amanda asked, spitting out the name, and wondering for the hundreth time what she was doing there. There was no love lost between Methos and Amanda. He thought she was vain, petty and selfish, and hated the way she twisted MacLeod around her little finger. She thought he was cold, manipulative and selfish, and hated the way Duncan always jumped when the older man told him to. Amanda seemed to act like a jealous child who couldn't stand to see her favourite toy being borrowed without permission. That toy being Duncan MacLeod, of course, with Methos in the role as the resident bully on the block.
Amanda knew about Richie. Duncan had told her several days after it had happened. She'd been very fond of the young red-head. You couldn't help liking him, and he'd brought out some deeply-buried maternal instinct within her. She'd cried uncontrollably in Duncan's arms for hours when he'd told her, and gradually Duncan had let his tears fall as well, the two of them clinging to each other desperately.
Gritting his teeth Methos wondered again why he had felt it necessary to confide in Amanda. For MacLeod, he told himself, for as flighty as Amanda was she did care about MacLeod. Plus, she was almost as cunning, devious, and yes, he admitted it, self-centred as he was. She was good in a crisis, plus there was the added bonus that she wasn't beating herself up over Richie's death, he hadn't just tried to kiss her, and she wasn't drinking herself to death. In conclusion, surprisingly, she was his only option. And, he needed help. Of course she wasn't about to make this easy for him.
Amanda's cold gaze bored into him, and he shock himself free of his memories and thoughts. Damned Immortal memory.
"I need your help Amanda, " he told her quietly.
"I'll sorry. What?" Damn, she was enjoying this, wasn't she?
"I said, I need your help." He swallowed. "Please," he added, meeting her gaze.
"You...You need my help. Little ol' me?" Yep, she was definitely enjoying this.
"I don't know where else to turn. For Duncan?"
"Duncan? He's in trouble? Another Immortal?"
"Kind of."
"What's going on, Methos?"
"Oh, Gods."
"Methos, I need to know. Everything up front. I need to know what I'm up against if I'm going to do anything to help." She was even beginning to feel sorry for him and could see pain in his eyes.
Methos swallowed again. He really didn't want to tell her, he hated being so open with people, it was dangerous, plus, this really was rather embarrassing. Added to that was the fact that Amanda wasn't the best person to admit to that he'd come on to MacLeod.
"Well," he began, knowing he'd faced worse, if not recently.
"Mac's suffering, so's Joe. I'm worried about them. Joe's drinking and neglecting his duties at Watcher HQ. They don't know the full story of what happened, and have never understood his relationship with us lot. I think they're considering suspending him. Amanda, the Watchers are his life, suspension would kill him, if the drinking doesn't first. I still have access to Adam Pierson's e-mail and they asked him - me - to talk to him, find out why he hasn't been checking in. I went to see him yesterday. He didn't want to know me, could hardly stand to talk to me. He blames himself, blames me, even blames Mac a little. Even all his Watcher training hasn't prepared him for anything like this. He hasn't lost any Immortal he's been close to yet, we're like family to him. I guess after all our notions of infallibility in contrast to his fragility, to lose Richie at so young an age is devastating. And to lose him in such a way..."
"And Duncan, Methos..?"
"Sorry. I guess I blame me as well...Joe needs help. We can't let him destroy himself like this, his life is short enough as it is, he can't waste it. Duncan...Mac...he's in a bad way. You probably know this. But, it's not like he hasn't lost students before. I know, Richie was practically a son to him. It takes time. Still when I went to see him he ignored me and the buzz for about ten minutes. A very un-MacLeod action. Of course, he didn't want to see me. He was swinging between cold indifference and anger and depression. Either one could result in him losing his head to some lousy, little, upstart of a headhunter. We can't let that happen Amanda, Duncan deserves better and is too important to die just because he can't be bothered to keep his head..."
"You keep saying he's too important. Why? Do you think he'll be the one?"
"It's possible, I suppose. He's...He's a good man, if a little stubborn and predictable at times, but we could do a lot worse than to have MacLeod as the One. I've just always known that Mac was important in the scheme of things, I don't know how or way, or how I know, I just know."
"So, Duncan sent you away as well?"
Methos sighed, he would have to be completely honest if Amanda were to trust and help him.
"In the end he did. I forced him to a break-down and it seemed to do some good. He was talking to me at least, talking about Richie, questioning me, expecting wise advice...You know, usual MacLeod things. And then..."
"And then he threw you out...?"
"No. Then I...I kind of came on to him." He met Amanda's shocked eyes with hard, defiant ones.
"You...you and...and Duncan..." Amanda wasn't surprised Duncan had thrown the other man out.
"Methos, Duncan MacLeod is the most masculine, hetrosexual man I know! What on Earth were you thinking?! And...and you. Well, you may not be as masculine as Duncan but I would never have thought..."
"Well, in 5000 years you end up doing almost everything at some point. Would you believe that it seemed a good idea at the time, and that Mac responded?!"
"To be honest, no! How could you take advantage of him like that?!"
"It happened Amanda, it was inevitable and I can't deny my feelings for Mac. And, after 5000 years, I don't think I have to answer to you of all people. Since when are you the role model for sensible and decent behaviour? I care for Mac greatly, and don't want to see him hurt. It's...it's...I...I can't bear to see him like this. It's not often I say this, but I don't know what to do, I need your help. I came to you for help, because we have more in common than we would both like to admit and because Duncan and Joe need us!"
"Don't tell me, there's more?"
"Actually yes, I'm afraid so."
"A headhunter?"
"Yes, but worse. There's an increase in anti-Immortal feelings in the Watchers. Many of them are jealous of us and frustrated with the inaction of the Watchers. They want to take matters into their own hands. I don't know how or why, but I think Richie's death had something to do with this. It wasn't normal, the way he attacked me. I had no choice. Someone or something wanted either me or Richie to die. I don't know exactly what their plan is, but it can't be good!"
"Another Horton? Wonderful?! Got any more good news for me, Methos? I don't think I'm in a good enough mood yet!"
"Amanda, please, listen. Obviously, they're going after MacLeod. He's the hero, the famous one, the powerful one. You have to warn him. He has to leave town, he's in no position to fight!"
"I have to warn him?! I don't have to do anything!"
"Amanda, you'll the only one he'll listen to."
"He's your boyfriend!" she practicily spat.
"Cheap shot, 'Manda! Just do it. For Mac's sake, for all our sakes!"
"You're serious about all this, aren't you?"
"I know it's an unusual occurance, but yes, deadly serious, with the emphasis on deadly!"
"Ok, ok, I'll talk to him. If he doesn't listen, though, don't blame me."
"Thanks Amanda. And if my name comes up..."
"Which one...?!"
"Fine. Just...do what you can. And 'Manda, I do appreciate this."
He got up, leaving Amanda starring after him, wondering if she would ever, even if she lived another 1000 years, understand the mystery that was Methos. The man had more faces than a dice.
Methos got a 100 yards out of Amanda's sight before collapsing wearily against the nearest wall, feeling like there was a sudden tremedous pressure on his mind, muttering to himself, people avoiding him like he had the plague. 'Been there, done that', he laughed to himself, his good old cynical sense of humour never leaving him even when he wanted it to. He wondered just how sane he was any more. Surely 5000 years of this life had to take toll, didn't they? He was so tired now, all the time. He thought he would be just about ready to curl up and die here and now, if he didn't know that there were important things to live for. Maybe he was imagining things, seeing hunters at every turn. Maybe the disgruntled watchers would sort themselves out, the rumours just an exaggeration. Maybe the Immortals would survive, and the game would continue for another few hundred years still. Yeah right, and maybe he'd turn into a Scottish Boy Scout! And, Gods, what a time to be falling for another Immortal, especially one like Duncan! No more fading into the background for him if he and Mac ever got together. Not that Duncan would ever be with someone like him. Crazy, Old Man, crazy!
After 4000 years Methos had finally learnt to trust his instincts, after another 1000 he never ever ignored them. He knew something was going to happen, something bad, he could feel it and it was taking it's toll on him. But some things are more important than me, he told himself. Whatever was about to errupt, it would involve MacLeod, just when he was at his most vulnerable. Methos didn't know what would happen if MacLeod lost his head, but he knew it wouldn't be good. The world needed Mac, but maybe it didn't need Methos anymore. With that comforting thought, Methos gave into the darkness invading his mind and slumped against the wall, unconsciousness.
Chapter Six: Irreversible Damage?
"Be cheerful and light, cheerful and, concerned. Not worried, definitely not worried, or nervous," Amanda told herself as she approached Duncan's loft. She could do this, it wasn't really difficult, it was only Duncan. But she was worried. Worried because it was Duncan, and she didn't know what she would do if anything happened to him. Worried because she had never seen Methos so worried, so sincere, so desperate, almost. If truth be told, she was worried about Methos as well.
She stopped in front of the dojo, and prepared to go up into Duncan's loft. She could feel his buzz by now, so at least he was at home. She went up, calling out to Duncan so that he wasn't startled by the sudden arrival. Expecting to find Duncan coming to meet her, Amanda was surprised when she made it into the main/living room without a sign of Duncan. Duncan was sitting watching television, except that Amanda knew that Duncan never watched television. The only person in the loft who watched it had been...Richie.
"Duncan. Finally getting into the twentieth century, I see", she said, with a smile, in greeting.
"Amanda. I didn't know you were in town."
"Well, you know me."
"Yes. I do."
He didn't look exactly surprised to see her, though, or pleased, or even annoyed that she'd just come barging in. He hardly looked at her and didn't make eye-contact. In fact, it seemed that there was nothing going on behind those deep, dark eyes, that any politeness, any interaction at all, was purely instinctual and almost subconscious, as if Duncan had temporarily left leaving an empty shell and an answering service. She knew Richie's death had affected him hard but before she had left he had still shown some emotion, even if that emotion was mainly anger and grief. This vacantness, this charade of an existence that Methos had told her Duncan had been living, was much worse. She shivered.
"What you watching?" she tried.
"It's called friends", Duncan replied, still speaking as little as possible.
"I don't know it, is it good?"
"It's OK."
"Duncan...?"
"Yes." Duncan finally turned to look at her, a strange little smile on his lips.
"Are you OK?"
"Of course I am. How are you Amanda?"
"Um, fine. I..."
"Come to tell me about your latest exploits?"
"No, I..."
"Oh, really, are you finally on the straight and narrow?"
"I..."
"What?"
"Duncan, for god's sake, just shut up a minute!" Amanda finally yelled, frustrated at his lack of emotion and his ridiculous small talk.
"Why, so you can lecture me as well? So you can pretend to give me advice then just twist my heart and mind in two completely opposing and confusing directions. So you can remind me as well that I should go and help Joe?"
"My God, Duncan, such emotion!" Amanda replied in kind, still unable to calm down from her earlier anger.
"Emotion? Sorry, I think I just ran out. Too much emotion means too much hurt, too much pain, confusion, loss and betrayal. Or haven't you learnt that yet?"
Amanda shivered again, quickened to the core. This was Duncan MacLeod saying this? This was from the great Highland warrior, the Immortal boyscout, the man who cared about everyone and everything?!
"Duncan please, you can't be like this. Don't do this to yourself, to me, to Joe, to Methos."
"Why not, why for once can't I not care, not feel?! Tell me why Amanda! Cos I sure as Hell 'feel' much better this way!"
"Why not? I'll tell you why not. Cos that's not you. It's not Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod."
"Maybe I don't care about that. Maybe I should be like Methos, put myself first for once. Or, maybe 400 years just is more than enough for anyone..."
"400 years? Try 1000, Duncan, 2000, 5000..."
"Try 20!"
"Richie wasn't your fault!" she almost screamed.
"Oh, change the record!"
"Oh grow up! You and your bloody Scottish sense of guilt, you and your bloody Clan MacLeod. He was playing the Game! He lost, let him rest in peace!"
"How can I when that, that bastard is still alive!"
"Oh I see. No emotion, Duncan, very interesting. You were prepared to let it go earlier, so I heard..."
"Things change!"
"This isn't about Richie is it, not really, it's not even about you, it's about Methos. Or maybe...Methos and you?"
"Amanda, I think you should leave now. Thank you for coming, have a nice day, come visit again soon, say, in another 100 years."
"And what, visit your tomb?!"
"What...?!" This time, Duncan's voice was as cold as ice.
"Duncan, please, I'm worried about you. You can't give up. Methos thinks there's someone after you, and the Watchers are helping. It's a dangerous time Duncan, you can't just give up!"
" 'Methos thinks..' does he? Since when have you and Methos been so chummy? Mr 'old and wise, 5000 years old so I must be right'. What has he ever been right about, what has he learnt in 5000 years? It seems to me that the only thing he's learnt in 5000 years is how to be a cold-hearted, manipulative, hurtful bastard! He's caused me nothing but trouble since he entered my life..."
" 'Nothing but trouble...?' Why, because he was a man not a myth, because he had faults, because he wanted to be your friend, because he's given you friendship and love. Because he helped you destroy Kirsten, and Kalas, helped you defeat the dark quickening? Because he couldn't stop Richie from killing him?!"
"Yes."
"Duncan, the man cares for you. He loves you. He's worried about you, and he knows, not thinks, knows, something is about to happen, something bad!"
"Amanda, my dear, I never thought I would see the day when you would champion Methos' cause and explain how good he is. So, thank you, and good bye."
"Duncan...just be careful. Extra careful. For me."
He turned his back on her, retreating again back into the safety of his own mind and of the fictional world of the television. Amanda, sensing that she'd gone too far, but praying that she'd gotten through to him, could do nothing more than leave quietly and go to try and find Methos.
Wandering back towards the café where she'd met Methos earlier, Amanda was surprised to feel a faint, weakened Presence as she approached the street behind the café. More curious than worried, she approached carefully. What she found, though, was not what she was expecting. In a heap against a wall, barely conscious, eyes glazed, muttering to himself, and with as weak a Presence as she'd ever felt from him, was Methos.
"No", he was repeating over and and over again, and "leave him alone", although who Methos was talking to, Amanda had no idea. She had never seen an Immortal become delusional before.
"Methos, what happened?" But he couldn't answer her, just kept muttering.
Not knowing what else to do, Amanda decided to move him, take him back to her hotel room. For a slim man, he proved very difficult to drag away from the wall, almost as if something was pulling him in the opposite direction, wanting to keep him there even as she wanted to move him away.
Chapter Seven: Unnatural Presences
Some time later, Methos suddenly awoke with a start. He couldn't remember dying but realised he must have. Why else would he be so drained? Looking around he found himself in a room, possibly a hotel room. Before he had time to investigate further, he felt the tingle of an approaching Immortal. Groaning at the awful timing, he tried to stand, wondering if he still had his sword with him. The person who opened the door was the last person he expected to see again so soon.
"Amanda! What's going on? Where am I?"
"My hotel room. As for what's going on, I was hoping you could tell me."
"What am I doing here? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be with MacLeod!"
Away from the strange magnetic pull of the wall, Methos had collapsed into a deep sleep, and having finally woken up was now gradually regaining his strength.
"Methos, calm down. I did see Duncan. You were right, it was awful. At first it was like Duncan wasn't there any more. It was him, but it wasn't him. He was hiding. Then when he finally showed some emotion, well it wasn't nice, Methos. He's obviously still hurting, more than I realised. And, I know you thought you helped yesterday, but I think you made things worse. He doesn't seem to know what to think, or feel, anymore. He's angry at you, at himself, and now at me for taking your side. He didn't listen when I told him he was in danger, and feels betrayed by you. He's even loosing confidence in himself, in who he is. And you know how dangerous that could be. Duncan's the most honourable man I know, he needs to be 'Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod.' Without that, without his clan, he's nothing, and he'll hate himself even more if he believes he has to loose it so much that he does loose it. And that's started already."
Methos had gone pale. This was what he had feared. If Duncan MacLeod gave up on Duncan MacLeod, then there would be no hope and he'd be damned for eternity, twice over. He'd probably made the situation a hundred times worse by his actions yesterday.
"What's going on Methos? What happened to you after I left?"
"I...I don't know!" This simple truth shook Methos to the very core of his being. He was used to being in charge, in control of practically every situation, or at the very least of himself, and now he had absolutely no idea what was happening, was loosing the last traces of control he had, even over himself. He could feel it physically slipping away from him, over the last couples of days, like he was being stripped bare. And, it scared him. He had a life here, was almost at peace after thousands of years, now that was about to be ripped away from him and he found that he cared, actually cared about the loss. Thanks to Alexa, to Joe, and to Mac, he cared again. 'You're weak Old Man', he told himself, but it was a weakness he wanted. He had a job, a life, he had Joe, and Alexa, and Mac. Now, Alexa was dead, Adam Pierson had to die, the Watchers knew he was immortal (he'd liked Adam!), Joe was still there - somewhere, and the Highlander, well, the Highlander had been his rock. A rock now shattered perhaps beyond repair.
He knew something was wrong, and that something was going to happen to Duncan, and he felt powerless to stop it. He was powerless because he cared too much, and powerless because he didn't know what they were up against. Was this how Duncan felt, he thought, charging to the rescue despite everything, because of that caring? 'What a time to start acting like the Highlander', he thought to himself. Why couldn't he have copied the Scot's cooking skills or something less dangerous instead? Anything other than wanting to find the nearest white horse and save the day. But he knew he would, he'd get to the bottom of this and make it right. Or get killed trying. With that thought a sudden flash of realisation came to him. He would die for Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod, die to save him. There had been no-one in 5000 years that he could say that about with such certainty. Not his brothers, not Joe, not even Alexa. She had come close, but admittedly, as much as he had loved her and as much as loosing her had hurt, she had still been the safe, quiet option, and a temporary one. He knew she was dying, had prepared for it, and had let Adam Pierson love her. Sometimes he hadn't known when Methos had stopped and Adam Pierson had begun. Adam was a person he would want to be, but never could. But, Adam was dead. There was no going back...
With a start he became aware of Amanda staring at him in concern, and realised that he had been silent for too long. Well, he thought, ironicly, if nothing else at least this has allowed the two of them to bond. Who would have thought that Amanda would be his only ally in a crisis?! Wouldn't Mac be pleased? Damn, there he went again, thinking about the highlander. 'Get out of my head, Duncan!'. As if that would ever work!?
"Methos are you alright?"
"Not really, but I'll be OK", he replied with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. 'I hope!' he added to himself.
"Mmmm. Well, can you tell me what you remember happening to you. I think we need to figure it out. You looked in a very bad way."
"Amanda, my dear, there is no think about it. We do need to figure it out, and quickly. And Amanda, if I forget to tell you later, thank you."
Amanda smiled softly at this for a minute. Maybe the Old man had learnt something in 5000 years after all. Then, she was back to business.
"So, what do you remember, Methos?"
"I...I watched you leave, and then I decided to go back to my hotel and search the Watcher files for any information about who may be after Mac. I decided to take a short cut back, using the small alleyway just the other side of the café..."
"That's where I found you."
"I got about half way down when I felt a great pressure bearing down on me, both mentally and physically. I tried fighting it but I must have collapsed and died. That's all I know."
"Well, I found you in the alleyway about 45 minutes after I'd left you. You weren't dead, but you were pretty close. You looked exhausted, and very, very weak. I could hardly feel your Presence and you seemed dirlirious. You kept muttering 'no, stop it', 'leave me alone' and 'leave him alone'."
"Duncan," Methos said automatically, "Someone or something wanted to hurt Duncan."
"I had to physically drag you away from that alleyway. It was like something was holding you there. I bought you here, you fell asleep, probably from the sheer exhaustion, and, you know the rest."
"I have no idea what it was, but something was invading my mind. Subconsciously I must have been fighting it. I don't remember anything else until waking up here."
"Whatever it was you were fighting it pretty desperately, and, no offence, you looked to be loosing."
"You could well be right. It...I think it was trying to get me to give up, telling me I wasn't needed any more. I...I nearly believed it. On a conscious level, I must have given up then. That's why I don't really remember it. However, it can't be a coincidence that we heard about a danger to MacLeod, that we were trying to help him and then something tries to stop me. I may not remember saying 'leave him alone' but I'm sure that the him in question is Duncan."
"You think this, this thing, whatever it is, is behind the Watcher's plans to destroy Duncan."
"I can't be sure, but if it isn't linked then it's pretty damned convenient, isn't it? If one won't finish him off the may probably will. I don't believe in chance anymore."
"We need to reach Duncan, and Joe."